The "D" word

[mina]

While I'm a person who thinks "divorce is not an option," that's because of my husband. I truly believe he would never abuse me or our child(ren) and he'd never cheat on me. But I have seen too many horrific marriages or family situations for me to judge someone who's divorced. And there may not be anything in the Bible about beatings or rape (of the spouse and/or children), but I think that is largely due to the culture/times of when the books of the Bible were written.

Same here. I also could never judge anyone who is divorced; if I were in the same situation with the same variables I could just as easily opt for that option. Within my own family, sibling's marriages I've seen really bad situations and ALWAYS it ended up being a one sided situation with one spouse willing to fight for a marriage that the other spouse was intent on maliciously breaking apart or controlling or had already left. I don't think naivety comes from knowing your own spouse and what your own marriage can handle, but in thinking that any marriage is better to stay in rather than stay alive, stay safe, keep your children safe, etc... I think marriage vows are very important to uphold; but I also wouldn't advise a spouse that is getting beaten or their child is being molested by their spouse (etc..) to stay and continue allowing the spouse to harm or kill them; things that are extreme and go much further than silly petty reasons for divorce that people can throw around like "they got fat" or "they forget to unload the dishwasher and I'm tired of them".

[little_tigress]

I can't judge a person's reason for being divorced. I've seen some extremely messy cases. I've watched a friend deal with the aftermath of a divorce that wasn't her choosing. He was abusive and left simply because he got bored of the marriage. I've listened to her talk about the comments people will make to her simply because she's divorced. Its sad. And it makes me angry. I've also watched a family member try desperately for years to make a toxic marriage work only to have it end in flames. Its not always about two people walking away from eachother. Seems like a lot of the time its just one person who just doesn't want to be married or has no interest in making the marriage work anymore so then marriage ends.

For me.. The only instance I can actually see myself filing for divorce is if he turned abusive towards myself or our kids. I've heard some horrifying stories about relative of mine and how he treated his kids, but his wife never left him. It got so bad that she had the kids sent away to live with relatives for several months so they wouldn't be under the same roof with him. I couldn't do that. I would have taken my kids, gotten into my car, and driven as far away from him as I could.

I don't know what I'd do if adultery became an issue. I know that Biblically, I could leave. But I agree with what has been said earlier - I think too often hurt people use it as an excuse to walk away from a marriage that might have been saved and healed. I think God's heart for marriage is always reconciliation. Thats clearly not always possible, though. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and if he's not willing to put his infidelity aside and commit to me - it won't work. And just so no one gets the wrong idea - no, I don't think any less of someone from walking out on an unfaithful spouse. I consider that a Romans 14 issue, and I leave it between that individual and God to decide what is right in that situation.

What I do think may be necessary in some cases is to separate to remove oneself from an unhealthy situation and have some time to think, re-prioritize, etc... In that case I think reconciliation should be the goal of both people.

but for, right now as an unmarried woman, I can only see divorce as an option in the most extreme of cases. Which, God willing, I will never face.

[Heather]

Its not always about two people walking away from eachother. Seems like a lot of the time its just one person who just doesn't want to be married or has no interest in making the marriage work anymore so then marriage ends.

YES. In all of the divorces I've witnessed, this is exactly true. One person can't make a marriage work. It requires two.

[Edwards1984]

Its not always about two people walking away from eachother. Seems like a lot of the time its just one person who just doesn't want to be married or has no interest in making the marriage work anymore so then marriage ends.

YES. In all of the divorces I've witnessed, this is exactly true. One person can't make a marriage work. It requires two.

Indeed - most stories I know that involve two people getting over their issues and saving their marriage were because both parties (not just one) were willing to work on.

I think this goes back to what others have said before, in the other marriage threads: marriage is about cooperation and unity between two people. Everyone has their part to play in marriage, and if this gets denied, someone forgets their role, or forsakes it, and the marriage becomes lopsided.

[EazyMack]

[blind post]

Divorce is DEFINITELY wrong. There is no denying it.

I just recently divorced. Of course, it's a long story. But I take the responsibility for it upon myself, although I will say that I tried to hold on. Even though I knew I had made a grand mistake.

I was so afraid to let people see my failure that I held onto my failure for so long, trying to make it work. I wanted to appear to have it all under control. But that was my pride! It was never meant to be, and of course, my failure inevitably had to come to the surface for everyone to see.

I’ve learned that people need to see this. They need to see my failure. This way, I can boast, “Look at me! I screwed up, and God still loves me! I am still forgiven, and what’s more, I still have the same purpose as I always did!” I am just as valuable now as I was before my failure.

But the scars from it cannot be ignored.

[Ethnog]

I'm sorry thank you for sharing with us.

[r035198x]

I think it's hard to consistently apply scripture when some decisions are made in Christ and others without Him. The majority of divorces I've seen I attribute more to decisions and conduct before the marriage than being due to a lack of the will to fight for the marriage. With so many different ways of meeting and varied views on dating and courtship it's becoming so difficult to know how to live out that stage in healthy conduct for the relationship. This big part of our life we really need to give to God sooner rather than later.

Myself, I don't have a list of dos and donts. My salvation and ability to please God is not from me (through my actions) but from what Christ did for me on the cross. I do believe that marriage is a holy sacrament that I'll fight to save should I get into one but I will not believe that I'm lost as a Christian should extreme circumstances force me to separate.

Sorry to everyone who has had bad experiences.

[Toro]

Blind post.

I don't believe the D word is ALWAYS bad.

I do believe it should be a last resort and as marriage itself, should not be taken lightly.

That being said I believe that divorce is dependent on the people and the circumstances:

Someone wants to see someone else, it is wrong and still adultery if divorced.

Someone is cheating, abusive (verbally or physically) or some other incredibly toxic behavior, not only to the marriage but the other person. IF that person will not change their ways and work towards strengthening their marriage and their husband/wife then divorce is not so bad an option.

Like with all relationships, marriage is two way. One person can't and shouldn't be expected to do all the work.

In the above examples, the first I see as wrong no matter the excuse. You swore your devotion to one person under God and before family and friends..... if someone else comes along that you fancy, to bad. Maybe you should work towards reigniting the spark between you and your husband/wife rather than chase fantasies of other people.

In the second example, if someone becomes toxic to you, you DID agree "for better or worse" but, they also should as a husband or wife should look out for your well being, to honor and cherish. If they dishonor their part of that by becoming truly toxic..... and have been given plenty of time to get back on the right path..... leaving that I do not see as wrong.

[Zombie]

Divorce is, in my mind, a last resort (I speak in regard to myself, not others). Of course, I've never been married so I can't say I relate to the pains a spouse can experience, but I have felt significant discomfort in my life--spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Nevertheless, I am of the mind that my loved ones and I can and should try to fix whatever problems we're having, regardless of mistakes in the past. If a spouse is being abusive, then yes, the family might need to separate from that person, and that can be a horribly messy situation (one I witnessed with a lady in my church years ago). Still, if the abusive person ceases their behavior and gets the help they need, then I think divorce can and should be avoided. The bottom line: if you can avoid divorce, do so, but sometimes, it's unavoidable.