what kind of blueprint did you get?

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what kind of blueprint did you get?

Postby little_tigress » Mon Sep 15, 2014 4:08 pm

I was reading this article this morning:
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14909/10 ... rried.html

And one point stuck out for me.. The image of marriage that our parents give us will affect our own views of marriage.

And I think that's true. The one I got from my parents wasn't great. Don't communicate. Avoid fights at all costs. Distance. And little in the way of affection. I knew they loved each other, but what they showed me was more akin to roommates living together. And I see now how that affected my own earlier relationship choices.

Now that I'm aware of it and know how these are negative things, I'm more aware of what I need to do, should I ever marry, to help ensure my marriage is a strong and happy one. But reading this makes me think it will be work, because it might just be all too easy to fall into the blueprint I was given for relationships.

Those are my early morning musings (as an unmarried person no less :P). What are your thoughts?
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Qu'ils sont beaux sur les montagnes, Les pieds de celui qui apporte de bonnes nouvelles, Qui publie la paix! De celui qui apporte de bonnes nouvelles, Qui publie le salut! De celui qui dit à Sion: ton Dieu règne!
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what kind of blueprint did you get?

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Re: what kind of blueprint did you get?

Postby Wren » Mon Sep 15, 2014 6:10 pm

I think a lot on that list is true, but I'm not sure I'm on board with the blueprint idea. I do think parents should model a healthy relationship for their children. But I don't think we are so tied to what we see there. Children see other marriages growing up (aunts/uncles, friends' parents, church couples, etc) and I think their own personalities will shape what kind of spouse they may be. My mother and I are very different in marriage. Granted, I had an outside view, but that's true with the blueprint idea. Her personality drives what she wants and needs in a marriage in a different way than mine does.

My dysfunctional upbringing probably affects me and what kind of wife (and mother) I am, but my mother's marriages were mostly bad due to adultery and physical abuse (and workaholism). And those issues are not a problem for us. Well, WrenHubby works long hours sometimes, but he dislikes it as much as me and doesn't escape life through work. The areas where I lack as a wife are due to who I am, not my parent's (or step-parent/parent's) marriage. The dysfunction in my upbringing was mostly outside of my mother and step-fathers marriages. Maybe I picked up some healthy traits? I don't think so because my mother married men that she never should have married (the first and last being physically abusive and the middle one that I grew up with was an emotionally distant workaholic).

Anyway, maybe I've picked up more than I realize and maybe I'm deeper about this topic than necessary, but it got me thinking a little.
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Re: what kind of blueprint did you get?

Postby mina » Mon Sep 15, 2014 10:09 pm

I think it's good to model a healthy marriage to your kids; but that is no guarantee that they will learn from it or be perfect at it- marriage is a learning experience and ministry in life. And on the other hand; having a bad or non existent or unhealthy marriage modeled before you is no guarantee that you will follow suit. So as a potential parent who is married; I and my spouse will try to model a good and healthy marriage to our kids, b/c it's a responsibility I feel we should have. I want to show my kids the most good out of life. BUT, in the big scheme of things, I think there are many variables that contribute to the formation of our idea of relationships and marriage. And even if you saw all bad examples; through consciousness and awareness you can change to be the partner that you want to be. One of the most Godly, loving, influential older couples in my life both came from dysfunction and met in a bar. And on the other side of that , I know couples that came from "right" families and did everything "right", but are now divorced b/c of cheating or abuse; no one showed them that- they chose it. So, to make the long short; I don't believe any one life experience can lock us into a good or bad marriage. You have to be willing to grow together and learn from your mistakes or be self aware of what you need to be. parental influence DOES play a huge role in our behavior, but after you grow up; it does not have to condemn you to the same mistakes.
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Re: what kind of blueprint did you get?

Postby little_tigress » Mon Sep 15, 2014 10:27 pm

We need reps here. I want to give them to you both.
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Qu'ils sont beaux sur les montagnes, Les pieds de celui qui apporte de bonnes nouvelles, Qui publie la paix! De celui qui apporte de bonnes nouvelles, Qui publie le salut! De celui qui dit à Sion: ton Dieu règne!
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Re: what kind of blueprint did you get?

Postby Wren » Mon Sep 15, 2014 11:59 pm

This discussion reminds me of something I saw on CF more than once (and was an issue with someone I dated). There are guys who will not or have strong issues with dating women from not so ideal backgrounds. The idea seemed to be that women from dysfunctional families were broken and would be unfit wives (and probably unfit mothers too). I think it's a dangerous idea to spread. I'm not broken and there's no reason I can't be just as good of a wife and mother as someone from a "good" family. Those guys looking for perfect spouses, from perfect families, and having guarantees of a perfect marriage will be sorely disappointed.
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Re: what kind of blueprint did you get?

Postby little_tigress » Tue Sep 16, 2014 12:25 am

Yeah. I've even seen on dating sites guys who only want women from close families. Those were always among the first to get X'd out :P

Family can influence in positive and negative ways. I think it's important to be aware of the possible pitfalls, and there can be a cyclical nature to a lot of things (the sins of the father will be visited upon the second and third generation thing). But I'm also not my parents.

Funny I was kinda talking about this with a friend yesterday. And she made a comment about how abusers always justify their behavior by saying, "I'm not as bad as my parents were" which is off base thinking to begin with. My parents aren't the standard for my behavior.

I dunno if I'm making sense.
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Qu'ils sont beaux sur les montagnes, Les pieds de celui qui apporte de bonnes nouvelles, Qui publie la paix! De celui qui apporte de bonnes nouvelles, Qui publie le salut! De celui qui dit à Sion: ton Dieu règne!
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Re: what kind of blueprint did you get?

Postby mina » Tue Sep 16, 2014 2:15 am

I've seen that type of attitude that Wren talked about, from both genders. I don't think you can judge an individual on what their parents did; especially if you know that individual now. They could be following bad examples, but given that this is a world with all sorts of choices and behaviors they could be living completely outside the example of their parents. I just think it's a gross thing to get into….. there are no perfect spouses; we are all sinners. There are no perfect marriages; we are all sinners. Spouse material should be based on who they are now and how they are living their life now; not what their parents were like in marriage. I agree with what Wren said: those looking for perfection and a guarantee of perfection will be sorely disappointed. It's a very naive thing to assume that you will have a trouble free marriage b/c you married someone who had a "perfect" (that you could see) family. This is 2014 and history (ancient and recent) is filled with people who based their marriage on that and it went awry in awful ways.
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Re: what kind of blueprint did you get?

Postby Leothelioness » Wed Jan 14, 2015 4:13 am

My parents had the kind of marriage that you want to run from and not emulate in the least. I learned what not to do just from watching them, but I am grateful that I have learned that. It just means that I will be less likely to repeat those things in my own marriage (should God see fit to bless me in such a way).

So, even the "bad" blueprints can be "good" ones.
I deserve the best, and the best is you.
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Re: what kind of blueprint did you get?

Postby little_tigress » Wed Jan 14, 2015 4:18 am

Definitely a good way to look at it, Leo. That's the attitude I'm taking now as well.
❥ ~❥~ ❥ ~ ❥ ~ ❥ ~ ❥ ~ ❥ ~ ❥
Qu'ils sont beaux sur les montagnes, Les pieds de celui qui apporte de bonnes nouvelles, Qui publie la paix! De celui qui apporte de bonnes nouvelles, Qui publie le salut! De celui qui dit à Sion: ton Dieu règne!
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Re: what kind of blueprint did you get?

Postby Toro » Mon Jan 26, 2015 2:30 am

Im kind of the opposite of my parents "blueprint".

Probably cause I've never needed to get smacked in the face with a shovel to know I don't want it.
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