talk to friends or strangers?

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talk to friends or strangers?

Postby little_tigress » Sat Jun 28, 2014 4:20 pm

I just read this article and it reminded me about of my own life. When friends talk to me about relationship issues, whether married or dating, I always try to remain as neutral as I can as a friend and try to help them see things from another perspective that could help. But when they're married I find myself thinking much more carefully about how I want to respond because... They're married. I want their marriage to work, and I don't want to be that friend who only sees trouble and makes things worse.

What do you think? Is it better to discuss marriage issues with friends or strangers?

http://hellogiggles.com/should-bffs-sto ... -marriages
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talk to friends or strangers?

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Re: talk to friends or strangers?

Postby mina » Sat Jun 28, 2014 8:03 pm

I wouldn't talk about marriage issues with friends. If we had a problem in marriage; we would either talk to each other or go to counseling if it's really bad. I don't discuss anything negative about my marriage or husband with parents, in-laws, or friends. If I'm frustrated with my husband or something he's doing; I talk with him about it immediately. I don't give it time to fester or to discuss it with friends. I think that only adds bricks of negativity to the stronghold of your mind. Once you start bad talking your spouse to friends (for minor frustrating things obviously; if it's something serious like abuse going on- tell people and get help!) I think it sets a precedent in your life and mind. It's hard to take those words back, and it colors people's opinion of them no matter how neutral they try to be. And once you start doing that; it gets easier and easier to always complain to others about them. To me, it's a sign of respect to your spouse; to not talk badly about them or complain about them behind their back. I even think that's a sign of respect in dating- if you are serious about someone and are currently dating them, or engaged; don't complain about them to your friend or relatives. It only makes them look bad to people who are naturally inclined to be on your side- and it does create "sides" even subconsciously. I f there is something really really wrong going on; then yes you need to tell people and probably separate yourself from the relationship. But if you just had an argument over something really not that bad and you are still steaming about it; I don't think it's okay to tear your partner or SO down to everyone you know.
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Re: talk to friends or strangers?

Postby Ethnog » Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:05 am

Oh that's hard. My dad always tells me when you talk to married people you have to be extremely careful how you approach their problems. You should never be the reason or put anything in their heads for so the other can think of leaving. It can be a possibility.

I don't like hearing or reading people bad mouth their spouses and if they do I do not feed it. I don't find it entertaining like most people who care to know about other peoples drama.
Sometimes people can't communicate with their spouse or do and it doesn't work but I won't encourage nastiness. If I do say something it will be, "please talk to him, tell him how you feel and I know you will both find away with communicating." That's the best I can think of saying as someone who isn't and has never been married.
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Re: talk to friends or strangers?

Postby little_tigress » Sun Jun 29, 2014 10:07 pm

Thats usually what I say as well. I think sometimes people need to vent to sort out their thoughts before they're able to really discuss them. So I'm happy to be a listening ear for that. But in the end I think they always need to go back to their spouse and tell them what they've told me. Albeit, in kinder words sometimes :P

I do wonder what I will do if that day ever comes for me. When I was dating my ex, I didn't talk to *anyone*. I strongly believed that whatever issues we may have had should be only between the two of us. But looking back on it, I wish I had someone I could have trusted enough to talk to about everything. I wound up so confused about everything and was in my own head about so much that I found it difficult to really process things, and it took me a long time after we broke up to really understand why it didn't and couldn't have worked with us. I think if I had someone I could talk to outside of the relationship, it might have given me a better perspective on everything.

But at the same time there's that risk that you mentioned, Mina. If you mention issues about your significant other to your friends then he can easily become The Enemy and they'll see him differently. It'd be bad with a boyfriend, but I think it'd break my heart if I was responsible for tearing down my husband - the man I wanted to spend my life with - to my friends and changing how they viewed him. I don't know how'd you'd come back from that without causing damage.
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Qu'ils sont beaux sur les montagnes, Les pieds de celui qui apporte de bonnes nouvelles, Qui publie la paix! De celui qui apporte de bonnes nouvelles, Qui publie le salut! De celui qui dit à Sion: ton Dieu règne!
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Re: talk to friends or strangers?

Postby Ethnog » Sun Jun 29, 2014 10:51 pm

I think that issue comes up only by how you allow it to happen and your word choices. People are not perfect but if you say "my husband can be a jerk sometimes by doing so and so" it gives license for people to call him names or think of him as the enemy. If you don't give people that choice to say or think those things they won't.
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