The Do's

Dating and Engagement. Discuss romance, love, and relationships that haven't been brought to the altar yet.

The Do's

Postby sketcher » Sun Mar 01, 2015 8:57 pm

This is mainly to help me, but I see no reason why it can't be opened up to help everybody. At any phase of dating, what are some things the opposite sex should do? Women, what should a man do when he's not dating you yet, asking you out, off on a date with you, in between dates, looking to become official, after you're official, anything after that? And men, what should women do?
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The Do's

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Re: The Do's

Postby little_tigress » Sun Mar 01, 2015 9:14 pm

I think not over thinking for both genders is a big thing. We're especially bad at that in the conservative sector. If you want to get to know me, just talk to me.

I actually read an article recently about that that I *really* liked.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/re ... omen-dates
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Re: The Do's

Postby sketcher » Sun Mar 01, 2015 10:18 pm

I'll agree that those factors have been an influence. Really making the mental adjustment and let's face it, heart-level adjustment from those teachings is very hard. I'd embraced them at first because I was still hurting badly from a non-relationship that didn't pan out the way I wanted. My mistake had been allowing my heart to rush in, and this is as anti-rushing in as it gets. Plus, all my new friends were into it.

As a result, I don't know how to date gracefully. I don't know how to protect myself while perpetuating a relationship. I don't know how to not turn into an idiot who acts like a jerk to her outside of complete withdrawal. Plus, my natural introversion means that I don't talk to people for the sake of talking to people - if I initiate any sort of conversation, there's a reason. That doesn't seem to go well with casual dating. If I want to date someone, that means most of my cynicism has been satisfied already. It takes a very long time for that to happen.

That's why I started this thread. I want to learn how to do this right.
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Re: The Do's

Postby Ethnog » Sun Mar 01, 2015 11:40 pm

Going in any relationship is a chance the you can get hurt.
You can be as graceful as you want and it can still happen.

The first thing you need to do is stop doing those things that push people away. I can't give you a list or tell you how to socialize with other people. You have to do it on your own. Be interested in others rather than seeking them for a purpose that is only for you. You can't talk to a girl you are interested in and expect them to be interested back when you only speak to her when you want and don't give what she wants either.

Edit: I have one suggestion.
A few years ago I was complaining to a friend that guys aren't interested in me or ever notice me. He told me whenever I go out to force myself to look at the guys around me without being shy. Not to talk to them but observe how many are actually looking at me or showing any physical interest (eye contact or smile, etc).
I had to really force myself because I get crazy shy around guys. The more I did it, the more I realized so many guys were showing me interest but I was so caught up in my head that I ignored their signs and/or pushed them away by not acknowledging their interests.
Maybe you can do the same... Talk to people in general and get to know them. Open yourself a little more. Start small and don't overwhelem yourself. Maybe because you are so closed off people can't read what your heart wants.
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Re: The Do's

Postby Ethnog » Sun Mar 01, 2015 11:48 pm

little_tigress wrote:I think not over thinking for both genders is a big thing. We're especially bad at that in the conservative sector. If you want to get to know me, just talk to me.

I actually read an article recently about that that I *really* liked.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/re ... omen-dates


Oh, that was fun to read, thanks for posting.
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Re: The Do's

Postby little_tigress » Mon Mar 02, 2015 12:04 am

I agree with ethie. You've just got to take the chance and don't think of the woman you're speaking to as potential bride, someone who can give you the relationship you've always desired. She's just someone you don't know and would like to get to know better.

If thinking about it in terms of dating is too much, start from friends. Walk up to men and women alike and just talk to them with no agenda of wanting anything more than a conversation. Become comfortable doing that, and who knows? Maybe it'll lead to some intrigue and a coffee date.

Ethie - one of my friends posted it on fb a couple of weeks ago. I almost didn't read it because I thought it was going to be another Christian-esque men need to be more holy! Kind of thing that annoys me so much.

But yeah that article explains perfectly why dating within the conservative evangelical church has always given me the knee jerk reaction of, "nope!" It's too much pressure if i think he expects one little date to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship. And i can actually only think of one Christian guy offhand who asked me out that i was sure it was nothing more than a casual date to get to know eachother.

Our whole generation has been taught that one date = first step to marriage. But why can't coffee just be coffee and nothing more?
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Re: The Do's

Postby Ethnog » Mon Mar 02, 2015 12:10 am

Sometimes, I think Christians men are doing us a favor by thinking or saying, "oh she will be the perfect wife and mother" or "no not for me!" After one date or one hour of conversation.
Trust me you aren't doing me any favors and your opinion means little to me because I know* I will be a good wife and mother.

You as in general you and maybe this post was a little off topic but it does irk me because I've gotten it so many times.

That article reminds me of what I see in Christians communities and dating: that love/life is some kind of fairytale. life isn't a fairytale.
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Re: The Do's

Postby little_tigress » Mon Mar 02, 2015 7:02 am

I was thinking about this a little more tonight and had another thought.

You made a comment about wanting to know how to do everything gracefully. And really... I don't know if thats really possible.

In my relationships with men - both the officially dating and the "we're not together, but we totally are" variety... there is always some level of awkward as you approach moving the relationship to another level. On both sides. It doesn't really matter how many times someone has been there... if it matters, it will mean both people are nervous. There will be obvious awkwardness, and thats not something to be ashamed of. Or to try to avoid because its umcomfortable. Relationships, even when they're right, can be messy at times. I don't think there really is a way to do graceful when it comes to this stuff.

You don't need to do things perfectly. And no woman would ever expect that (or at least no woman worth being with). You'll mess up. She'll mess up. hearts might get broken in the process. But whats that saying? Anything worth having in this life involves risk. And that means you can't always be looking to protect your heart. You might just have to learn to find better ways to deal with the hurt. If it happens, of course.

You just really have to seize the day and act instead of thinking yourself out of something that could be great. Or sabotaging yourself by putting the cart before the horse. And I think thats all it really comes down to. There's no real method that guarantees success.
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Qu'ils sont beaux sur les montagnes, Les pieds de celui qui apporte de bonnes nouvelles, Qui publie la paix! De celui qui apporte de bonnes nouvelles, Qui publie le salut! De celui qui dit à Sion: ton Dieu règne!
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Re: The Do's

Postby Leothelioness » Wed Mar 04, 2015 4:55 am

I agree with LT. There's really no graceful way to go about it. And to think about the things you should do or not do is way over complicating things.

From what little experience I have, I can tell you that there will always be awkwardness no matter where you are in the process and you learn what's best to do as you go. And honestly the best way to make sure you don't rush into everything like an idiot is to have your heart trampled a few good times. It's certainly helped me to be more cautious and slow moving and pragmatic about approaching relationships. I'm probably TOO pragmatic to the point of seeing nothing but red flags, but it's kept me from further hurt.
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Re: The Do's

Postby Leothelioness » Wed Mar 04, 2015 5:02 am

Since my last reply didn't really address the OP, I'll address it here.

If you find a girl that captures your interest, either IRL or online, talk to her. You can't really know someone if you don't talk to them. If a mutual like has been established, ask her out for a date. Take her somewhere you think she might enjoy, but get her input for ideas first before deciding on a place.

After the date, text her to tell her you had a great time and would like to see her again (assuming this is the case). Don't do any of this waiting 2 days to text back bull. Be straightforward.

Eventually, the more dates you go on and the more of a rapport that is established, the more comfortable you will become and a relationship will develop naturally. It's really not very complicated. If it is, they're not the right person for you.
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