Blame the opposite sex

[Ethnog]

This is a serious question and I ask in the kindest way possible. Those who are single or struggled with it before marriage did you blame your singleness (is that a word?) on the opposite sex?

I see this a lot lately.
I personally have not. It has been my own reason and in my own hands. I don't believe (again I say this personally) it's hard to be in a relationship, it's very hard however to be in a good/healthy one with the right person, even if that person doesn't end up being your SO.


I *now don't like to give advice because I feel I feel it is almost inappropriate to say, "it's your attitude and how you react that causing people to back off." It turns me off to them (men and women) and I find myself not even wanting to be friends. Because if everything is someone else fault all the time, how can I have a trusting friendship much less relationship if I am going to walk on egg shells?


I'm sorry if this sounds mean. I like to see the other side of it to understand.

Thoughts?

[little_tigress]

Honestly I don't blame men for my singleness. Even when I felt hopeless about being single, it was focused inward. *I* was ugly and undesirable. I didn't blame men for who I felt I was.

Now I'm in a much healthier headspace. I am single because I don't want to date just anyone. I am just picky when it comes to guys. I'm actually quite content being single most of the time.

I don't tolerate those with entitled attitudes very well. It's usually a sign off deeper anger issues that aren't being addressed, so I tend to keep my distance.

[Wren]

I wouldn't say I blamed men exactly. I think my thought process was more complicated than that. I think if I had to blame one thing, it wouldn't be sex/gender, it'd be society as a whole and how it trains people to seek after a certain type of woman. I am very much not the type of woman who gets attention offline. (Thank God for CF or I'd probably still be single. Even if I hadn't married my husband, that site got me dates when no one offline would date me.)

I do see (online since I don't chat about singleness with anyone offline) a lot of guys online who seem to blame women for their singleness (and are often the "nice guys" who all get "friendzoned"). I suppose I could have gone in that direction. Just as men bemoan society's ideal of men as tall, muscular, charming, full head of hair, whatever....I could just as easily bemoaned the ideal of the thin woman with perfect makeup, hair, and clothes who is the perfect balance of demure and feisty, while being subtlely sexy.

That kind of attitude doesn't get you anywhere but bitter, which just turns off the opposite sex (or same sex, I suppose, if that's they way you swing). The best thing would probably be to just take a deep, hard look at yourself and see what it is that may be causing problems and either find a way to meet someone who doesn't have a problem with your issues or work on them. I don't think you have to change who you are fundamentally, but we all have issues. I'm well aware some of mine were probably big turn-offs.

[mina]

I never blamed men. Good ones seemed few and far between but that wasn't entirely their fault as a whole. I just stayed away from the ones that seemed undesirable to me or those that found me undesirable. I didn't want to date anyone that didn't want to date me and I wasn't going to try and force a relationship and then resent or hate all guys b/c it didn't work out. I heard a quote the other day and it said to the effect of "your happiness in life is somehow connected to how gracefully you let go of things that were not meant for you". I think men and women would be happier in the mating game especially if instead of turning bitter towards the things they can't have, they gracefully let go and discover what they really want and also work on themselves. Sometimes you are just single because you aren't ready or the right person isn't ready or you aren't around available people or whatever; not because there is something wrong with you. Usually I find that the people that are angry and blame the opposite sex, have built up a life ideal that for whatever reason isn't happening for them right now. They can not accept their own responsibility in that, nor do they want to accept that now may not be the season for it. So they accept poor subsitutes based on poor decsions made in emotional moments and get angrier and more out of touch with reality with each failed relationship.

[Ethnog]

Thank you for posting ladies.

Mina your comment really stayed with me these few days. I'm been reflecting on my own choices (not just in relationships).
I'm working on dealing with things like that, especially at work when I sometimes can barely make through the day.
Thank you for reminding me it is in my hands much of the time. I let go of my power and my grace far too much.

[Toro]

I don't blame women.

I'm a good man, but up until recently I carried a lot of baggage around with me that was poison.

However after a horrible 2014.... I am now free from my past and the baggage that came with it.

[Leothelioness]

No, I don't blame men. I understand that right now God has a greater plan for me and it just so happens that that plan requires me to be single right now.

I am using this time to humble myself and submit to Him (and I've already seen blessings because of this) and draw closer to Him in fellowship.

I pray that He will bless me with a wonderful man just as I pray that I could be a wonderful woman to that man and I believe He will bless me in His time.

[Ethnog]

It's very refreshing reading your post, what lead you to these thoughts and change? If you don't mind answering.

[Leothelioness]

Well, honestly it was just a lot of work done in my life, some hard lessons learned and just realising that I need to have faith in God first and foremost.

He really has humbled me and I think it's because I have finally allowed Him to work in my life. I never realised how much I was fighting God until I wasn't anymore.