Love Languages revisited

Dating and Engagement. Discuss romance, love, and relationships that haven't been brought to the altar yet.

Love Languages revisited

Postby MacFall » Wed Sep 24, 2014 3:49 pm

After some recent, very serious changes in my life I realized that there have been a lot of things for which I have been made to feel unjustly guilty since I was a child. So with that in mind, I've been re-taking various personality tests while consciously adjusting for my knowledge of my own undeserved guilt. Yesterday I re-took the 5 Love Languages test, and was shocked to discover that Touch is my primary giving language, and my secondary receiving language, with acts of service being within one percentage point of tying on both sides.

I don't know what to think. All my life, my own touches of affection have never been welcomed, and God knows that nobody ever wanted to touch me. I have a couple of friends who are generally touch-happy people and give me hugs and such (well, one friend in particular and his wife), but other than that it turns out I have no outlet for my primary love language. This explains a lot, but it doesn't solve anything. It explains why I've always been frustrated in my attempts to express affection for people. It also explains why I've been unable to stop wanting a romantic relationship despite years of trying. But it solves nothing. Mostly it makes me feel selfish. In the end, what I need most involves an invasion of others' personal spaces. I have no idea how to deal with this.

I hate self-discovery sometimes. It raises more questions than it answers.
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Re: Love Languages revisited

Postby little_tigress » Thu Sep 25, 2014 1:50 am

I haven't thought much about receiving languages. I should take those tests again. You have me wondering what the discrepencies would be between my giving and receiving languages.

Physical touch is one of mine, but I'm weird about that one. I'm somewhat standoffish with people I don't really know or am not that close to. But if its someone I am close with, they can expect many hugs. I need hugs and touch to survive, but I'm just careful about who I get close enough too for that. But I also come from a very non touchy feely family and can count on one hand the number of hugs that my immediate family members, combined, have initiated with me in my life. In fact the only other family member I can think of who also seemed to have touch as a primary love language was my uncle who died when I was a kid. And his immediate family was even colder when it came to touch than mine was :P

Its not a negative thing though. Unless you're trying to actively force it on people, its not even an invasion of space. But you do have to wait until the dynamics are there that allow for that kind of, for lack of a better word, intimacy. And know how to read people's body language to know if they'd be OK with it.

There have been awkward hugs and such in my life, I'm sure. But I can actually only think of one instance in my life where I nearly kneed a guy in a spot that I'm sure most men would find very objectionable. It was a guy who came up to me out of nowhere to try to get my number and ask me out. When we parted ways, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek without my OK. THAT was an invasion of my personal space. I didn't want his attention to begin with and I made that clear so he should have known that I wouldn't be OK with physical contact. Thats kind of an extreme situation though, I think. Most people don't really care about a hand on their back for a moment or a quick hug here and there, etc...
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Re: Love Languages revisited

Postby Toro » Tue Sep 30, 2014 11:13 pm

little_tigress wrote:I haven't thought much about receiving languages. I should take those tests again. You have me wondering what the discrepencies would be between my giving and receiving languages.

Physical touch is one of mine, but I'm weird about that one. I'm somewhat standoffish with people I don't really know or am not that close to. But if its someone I am close with, they can expect many hugs. I need hugs and touch to survive, but I'm just careful about who I get close enough too for that. But I also come from a very non touchy feely family and can count on one hand the number of hugs that my immediate family members, combined, have initiated with me in my life. In fact the only other family member I can think of who also seemed to have touch as a primary love language was my uncle who died when I was a kid. And his immediate family was even colder when it came to touch than mine was :P

Its not a negative thing though. Unless you're trying to actively force it on people, its not even an invasion of space. But you do have to wait until the dynamics are there that allow for that kind of, for lack of a better word, intimacy. And know how to read people's body language to know if they'd be OK with it.

There have been awkward hugs and such in my life, I'm sure. But I can actually only think of one instance in my life where I nearly kneed a guy in a spot that I'm sure most men would find very objectionable. It was a guy who came up to me out of nowhere to try to get my number and ask me out. When we parted ways, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek without my OK. THAT was an invasion of my personal space. I didn't want his attention to begin with and I made that clear so he should have known that I wouldn't be OK with physical contact. Thats kind of an extreme situation though, I think. Most people don't really care about a hand on their back for a moment or a quick hug here and there, etc...



Well, if/when we meet. Ill be giving you a ton of hugs whether you want them or not....... I'll sniff your hair every time too. :)
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Re: Love Languages revisited

Postby Wesley » Sun Oct 12, 2014 2:05 am

MacFall wrote:After some recent, very serious changes in my life I realized that there have been a lot of things for which I have been made to feel unjustly guilty since I was a child. So with that in mind, I've been re-taking various personality tests while consciously adjusting for my knowledge of my own undeserved guilt.

I know what you mean. I was conditioned to feel guilty about my personality's tendencies because they didn't match up with my close family. Character traits that I had by nature were put down in others, so I felt that I had to hide them. Not coming from a touchy family, it was similar for me as with you. Really feels rather depressing to be coming to realizations like that around age 30, at least it was for me. Seemed like I was about 20 years behind the curve. :D

I guess I'd rather be more familiar with the truth and reality even if it seems to place me at a disadvantage.

Right?



AMIRITE?!
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Re: Love Languages revisited

Postby Amber » Mon Oct 13, 2014 12:43 am

My love language (by a HUGE majority) is gifts Heck, my bookshelves are covered with small trinkets that I refuse to ever get rid of- some are *literally* decades old, a few are even from CFer's, but most were given to me a long time ago. But just because someone hasn't given me something in awhile doesn't negate the fact that I know their love for me is real, it just isn't expressed how I personally would choose. And that's ok. I can live without my primary love language as long as the substitute is just as sincerely meant. After all, I don't often have the people in my life who show me of their love in that way but I still know (and feel) their love.

I think it depends less on HOW love is expressed then by WHO and WHY they are doing it. If you have a family member who has hurt you for years and built up layers and layers of complex negative emotions- they could walk up to you and try to show their love exactly how you thought you needed it. But because of who they are you won't feel love. Same thing by love expressed without a knowledge of absolute sincerity and pureness. The act and form of love is meaningless without a solid base of something that goes deeper than a "love language".

If you have physical touch- go volunteer to help with kids and get all the hugs you need. If its words- start sending encouraging emails to the people who matter in your life. If its quality time then find a ministry that you can devote yourself to. You don't need to wait for someone else to come along to feel loved. You can give of yourself, and as corny as it sounds, I think love finds its way back to you.*

*Love is defined by me as totally non-romantic. Its essence is something much purer and deeper than mere Eros.
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