Should a Guy Pursue A Great Girl to Whom He Is Not Attracted?

Dating and Engagement. Discuss romance, love, and relationships that haven't been brought to the altar yet.

Should a Guy Pursue A Great Girl to Whom He Is Not Attracted?

Postby little_tigress » Tue Apr 08, 2014 10:34 pm

This is a topic I believe we've discussed here before but I don't know what happened to that thread. So I'll just leave this here:

https://community.focusonthefamily.com/ ... -quot.aspx?
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Should a Guy Pursue A Great Girl to Whom He Is Not Attracted?

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Re: Should a Guy Pursue A Great Girl to Whom He Is Not Attracted?

Postby mina » Wed Apr 09, 2014 1:16 am

Geez people and your boundless!

No. I have a much deeper answer but do not feel comfortable sharing it as it's really personal . I would not get involved with a guy that was not attracted to me but thought I was great. I would be devastated and feel lied to, if my husband thought I was great but was not attracted to me. I think in modern times with our modern ways and society; mutual attraction is needed. I skimmed the article and the author references a quote by Tolstoy. I think back in that society at that time; marriage was more business than love and often times the attraction was one-sided. Marriage offered security and safety so even if the persons involved were not attracted; if it was a good deal all around then attraction was at the bottom of the list and growing to love one anther was a possibility. Even in the best and sweetest relationships, couples may not have known each other well before marriage. Now obviously, it does not work like that in the majority of relationships. I do not think it's a wise thing to do and I think it's deceptive.

Go on a few dates with and see if something could be there= okay I'll give you that
Pursue as in for marriage and you are absolutely 100% not attracted to them= Big ole NO
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Re: Should a Guy Pursue A Great Girl to Whom He Is Not Attracted?

Postby Wesley » Wed Apr 09, 2014 2:00 am

Part of the confusion in topics like this might be because of the definition of "attraction." Many people think "attraction" means just physical appeal. Others think it means more than that, and refers to the whole package of physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.

If the definition of attraction is the multi-faceted one, then no, a lack of attraction probably signals something wrong with the other person. This is, of course, assuming that your desires are reasonable. If you can't find attraction to someone that's stable, mature, smart, and spiritually minded then you're probably warped (and I do know people who can only find attraction to crazy, immature, and completely materialistic people).

If the definition of attraction is purely physical, you should probably not let that lead you around and make decisions for you. Not to mention, physical attraction kinda morphs over time in most people. If you're only ignoring someone because they're not good looking enough for you, that's kinda mental. Within my own gender, I see a lot of guys who steer clear of the plain girls and latch onto the more toothsome ones, with zero regard to any other parts of the whole person. (In before the starry eyed "I want to be the prettiest / handsomest person to my spouse" crowd pull start their reality distortion generators! :lol: )
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Re: Should a Guy Pursue A Great Girl to Whom He Is Not Attracted?

Postby little_tigress » Wed Apr 09, 2014 3:31 am

It's funny. I've known guys that I *should* have been attracted to. They were good-looking guys and on paper they were exactly what I was looking for and yet... Zero attraction. They were brothers to me.

Weird how that happens sometimes. But luckily the feeling was mutual (as far as I know) so there was never any awkwardness between us. And it turned out to be a good thing. Because years down the road, I saw things in each of therm that i wouldn't have been ok with in a relationship. So maybe my subconscious picked up on something. Or maybe God was at work. Or maybe it's as simple as I wasn't attracted :P

For my perspective on this specific thing, I think it's the reason behind why the guy in the link is not attracted to her that would make me tell him, "No. Stop. Don't be an idiot." He's not over his ex yet. So no matter who he pursued right now, it'd be a rebound thing.

So basically lots of factors can be at play behind why someone is not attracted to another: bad match, not emotionally ready for a relationship. Don't know each other well enough yet, etc... So I think it really depends on the situation what the answer is.
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Re: Should a Guy Pursue A Great Girl to Whom He Is Not Attracted?

Postby sketcher » Wed Apr 09, 2014 8:03 am

I was going to post a new thread, but this is too related to my situation. My situation being, I'm still trying to get over the last woman. She turned me down and began dating someone else, but I had not felt so strongly about someone in twelve years. I try not to dwell on her positives and I've been looking and praying for someone else to steal the show.

Now, there's someone else we go to church with - who I have some attraction to. But she hasn't fully stolen the show. She's pretty, but admittedly not as pretty. While the last one's quirks turned me on, this one's quirks don't, I actually don't like some of them. She's still got a lot to offer, though. I'm really not sure whether I should pursue her or not. She also comes from a more old fashioned family, and she isn't the popular type (though she's still pretty, sensible, and intelligent, with a good heart) so there's a good chance she's going to be badly hurt if I date her and decide she's not for me. If I date her, or anyone else I have met at this time (not including the last crush, she is not an option), I would be settling. Bottom line is, I kinda like her, but I doubt whether I like her enough to justify a relationship. I have no previous real relationships, so I don't have that frame of reference to draw on to predict how I would behave.
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Re: Should a Guy Pursue A Great Girl to Whom He Is Not Attracted?

Postby little_tigress » Wed Apr 09, 2014 5:02 pm

If you're still trying to get over someone, I'd say just wait. Its not fair to the other person to use them to move on from someone else. I know thats not what your main intention would be, but thats what it would come down to.

Wait until you're over the other woman. And if you think this person is worth pursuing to get to know better (don't make a commitment if you're not attracted to her), then go for it.
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Re: Should a Guy Pursue A Great Girl to Whom He Is Not Attracted?

Postby Wren » Wed Apr 09, 2014 6:05 pm

I haven't read the linked article. I'll just speak to the title question. I had a guy pursue me because he thought I was great in pretty much every area except he wasn't attracted to me. He thought that he could get over that and told me that he had felt sorry for women on dating sites who said that guys wouldn't give them a chance. I didn't need his pity and he broke my heart. I don't hate him and I'm over that situation (and him). But that memory makes me wish that people would not pursue others who they have no attraction to. If they have some attraction, that's different. I would expect dating to be where people find out if there's more there than some faint attraction. Just don't lead someone on and get serious about someone who you are not attracted to because it's selfish and it's hurtful. If someone is considering dating someone with the hope (any) attraction will come, then I would hope they'd build a friendship and get together maybe as friends to see if attraction will bloom rather than lead a person on.

I married a man who was (and still is) attracted to me. I think it'd be sad to be married to someone who was never attracted to me. And I think that attraction is something multi-layered, so if they are not attracted to you, that should be a red flag. Sure, there's the possibility that the person has ridiculous standards, but if even getting to know the person there's no sparks, then there may be other compatibility issues there. (After all, I'm so glad that I married the man I did and not the guy who wasn't attracted to me. He wasn't right for me for other reasons, too.)
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Re: Should a Guy Pursue A Great Girl to Whom He Is Not Attracted?

Postby mina » Wed Apr 09, 2014 6:16 pm

I agree that attraction is a multi faceted , multi- layer pull. And if someone is not attracted to someone else , in any way and otherwise can't see themselves in a romantic relationship with them then they should not pursue a lasting romantic relationship with them. It is very possible to think someone is a great person, but not have any sort of pull to be with them in a romantic relationship. And in that case I think it's selfish and detrimental to the other person to try and lead them on or force a romantic relationship where there should be none. You need to WANT to be with a person as a pre requite of pursuing an exclusive relationship with them.
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Re: Should a Guy Pursue A Great Girl to Whom He Is Not Attracted?

Postby Ethnog » Thu Apr 10, 2014 1:37 am

sketcher wrote:I was going to post a new thread, but this is too related to my situation. My situation being, I'm still trying to get over the last woman. She turned me down and began dating someone else, but I had not felt so strongly about someone in twelve years. I try not to dwell on her positives and I've been looking and praying for someone else to steal the show.

Now, there's someone else we go to church with - who I have some attraction to. But she hasn't fully stolen the show. She's pretty, but admittedly not as pretty. While the last one's quirks turned me on, this one's quirks don't, I actually don't like some of them. She's still got a lot to offer, though. I'm really not sure whether I should pursue her or not. She also comes from a more old fashioned family, and she isn't the popular type (though she's still pretty, sensible, and intelligent, with a good heart) so there's a good chance she's going to be badly hurt if I date her and decide she's not for me. If I date her, or anyone else I have met at this time (not including the last crush, she is not an option), I would be settling. Bottom line is, I kinda like her, but I doubt whether I like her enough to justify a relationship. I have no previous real relationships, so I don't have that frame of reference to draw on to predict how I would behave.


Don't ever tell the girl that, it would be such a horrible feeling to know something like this!
Just get over the other one before you look for someone else.




To the title: no. That great girl deserves a guy who loves her and is attracted to her in many ways, many levels, and she knows and feels these always. No one needs that kind of pity or feel like they settled.
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Re: Should a Guy Pursue A Great Girl to Whom He Is Not Attracted?

Postby Toro » Wed Apr 23, 2014 5:10 am

little_tigress wrote:If you're still trying to get over someone, I'd say just wait. Its not fair to the other person to use them to move on from someone else. I know thats not what your main intention would be, but thats what it would come down to.

Wait until you're over the other woman. And if you think this person is worth pursuing to get to know better (don't make a commitment if you're not attracted to her), then go for it.


Bit late but, I agree with LT.... one of the few times that happens as she tends to want to disagree and deny my genius.

Jumping one person from the next leads to a lot of skeletons in the closet. In order to be a healthy emotional person, as well as having ANY hope for a real, solid healthy relationship, you have to work those issues out before even thinking of pursuing someone else.

Sure, the way the world says to do it is to jump on to the next person. The world view however is generally not stable enough to accept its advice.
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