Love languages

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Re: Love languages

Postby little_tigress » Mon Aug 12, 2013 6:51 pm

I don't think its necessary to have the same love languages, I think it helps a great deal in understanding eachother if you do share those.

But I think it becomes even more important to communicate and understand how the other person expresses themselves if you don't share those things. If someone whose top love language is receiving gifts marries someone whose weakest language was gifts, then they'd have to find a way to bridge that gap so that both people can find ways to ensure that they're loving the other person in a way that actually makes them feel loved and valued. It won't come naturally, so it'd have to be a conscious effort and something to really work on in that situation.
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Re: Love languages

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Re: Love languages

Postby Wesley » Mon Aug 12, 2013 6:54 pm

Amber wrote:I'm not sure how far I buy into the love languages theory of compatibility (wherein you have to match your love languages so you can full fill your spouses needs). I can see that it would be tough if neither party were willing to ask their spouse how they can affirm and build each other up but I also see mixing love languages as a way to practice doing what we all should be doing anyway- meeting needs without getting something for ourselves. I mean, most couples will go on to have kids that will not have their own love language so if they think they can trip and skip through life without needing to know how to give/receive love apart from their primary love language, well, they are in trouble :lol:

Yeah, I've thought this exact thing. Do you hope to find someone that is close to you so you can both be naturally and easily fulfilled or do you hope to find someone opposite so you can grow? But by nature it's going to be rough... but we're not called to an easy life... but, but, but...

So I know what it's like to be around people that are total opposites, and it can be very confusing and lonely. Interestingly, without having had my parents read the book or take any tests, I can almost certainly see that my mother and bio-father probably had a very strong primary language, and in both cases they are totally not mine. So with them, it just never clicked with me when they'd express themselves in their most natural form. And even worse, I think their strengths and weaknesses were opposites to each other, so there was, looking back, a lot of miscommunication and misinterpretation that was a source for some big fights and hurts.

Ultimately though, James 4:1 has the last word: "From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?" So it's not inherently a difference in "love languages" that causes the problem, it's our evil hearts. If we seek to learn about others and serve each other, then it can work no matter the inherent differences. Having said that, it seems like we shouldn't actively seek wild differences in personality just for a growth opportunity. :lol:

Although I do see evidence all throughout scripture of the concept of "love languages." God in his triune nature shows all five, no more or less, of the languages to all humanity. Love is a many faceted thing.
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Re: Love languages

Postby Amber » Mon Aug 12, 2013 6:58 pm

little_tigress wrote:I don't think its necessary to have the same love languages, I think it helps a great deal in understanding each other if you do share those.

But I think it becomes even more important to communicate and understand how the other person expresses themselves if you don't share those things. If someone whose top love language is receiving gifts marries someone whose weakest language was gifts, then they'd have to find a way to bridge that gap so that both people can find ways to ensure that they're loving the other person in a way that actually makes them feel loved and valued. It won't come naturally, so it'd have to be a conscious effort and something to really work on in that situation.


Everyone's lowest language in this thread was gifts.

DARN YOU ALL, NONE OF YOU CAN LOVE ME NOW!!!!!

I bet an argument could be made that each of the languages has a "companion" language so to speak. So gifts would tie in closely with acts of service. Quality time could complement physical affection. So even if you marry someone who is the opposite of you, their language could still complement your's.

I don't know. I'm just over thinking this now. Its all so interesting.
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Re: Love languages

Postby Amber » Mon Aug 12, 2013 7:06 pm

Wesley wrote:
Amber wrote:I'm not sure how far I buy into the love languages theory of compatibility (wherein you have to match your love languages so you can full fill your spouses needs). I can see that it would be tough if neither party were willing to ask their spouse how they can affirm and build each other up but I also see mixing love languages as a way to practice doing what we all should be doing anyway- meeting needs without getting something for ourselves. I mean, most couples will go on to have kids that will not have their own love language so if they think they can trip and skip through life without needing to know how to give/receive love apart from their primary love language, well, they are in trouble :lol:

Yeah, I've thought this exact thing. Do you hope to find someone that is close to you so you can both be naturally and easily fulfilled or do you hope to find someone opposite so you can grow? But by nature it's going to be rough... but we're not called to an easy life... but, but, but...

So I know what it's like to be around people that are total opposites, and it can be very confusing and lonely. Interestingly, without having had my parents read the book or take any tests, I can almost certainly see that my mother and bio-father probably had a very strong primary language, and in both cases they are totally not mine. So with them, it just never clicked with me when they'd express themselves in their most natural form. And even worse, I think their strengths and weaknesses were opposites to each other, so there was, looking back, a lot of miscommunication and misinterpretation that was a source for some big fights and hurts.

Ultimately though, James 4:1 has the last word: "From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?" So it's not inherently a difference in "love languages" that causes the problem, it's our evil hearts. If we seek to learn about others and serve each other, then it can work no matter the inherent differences. Having said that, it seems like we shouldn't actively seek wild differences in personality just for a growth opportunity. :lol:

Although I do see evidence all throughout scripture of the concept of "love languages." God in his triune nature shows all five, no more or less, of the languages to all humanity. Love is a many faceted thing.


I think you also run into the issue of how... ummm... intensely you need your love language shown to you. A couple of responses have been that they couldn't live without their love language. Mostly the physically affectionate people. I don't find that to be true of myself so I could probably have a much easier time being married to someone with any of the other LL's But I totally get understand how some people have a genuine NEED for their language and because of that, they have to have their LL in their daily life.
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Re: Love languages

Postby little_tigress » Mon Aug 12, 2013 7:11 pm

Yeah, sorry Amber. You're cool and all but we're too busy hugging one another over here to give you gifts. You understand, right?

Interesting, I could see how an argument could be made for companion languages. some do seem to go hand in hand together. I'm also intrigued by Wes's comments about how the love languages can mean different things to different people. Kissing is kind of a big deal to me, it means a lot to me. So I wouldn't kiss someone or allow someone to kiss me unless there were some real feelings there. Other people approach it as, "whats the big deal? its just a kiss". But there's a real sense of intimacy there for me.

I'm also the same way about hugging and such. Not that I'd run away from a hug from an acquaintance, but unless I know you and care about you its going to be an empty gesture. But with people I love, there is such a comfort in touch.
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Re: Love languages

Postby Wesley » Mon Aug 12, 2013 7:14 pm

Amber wrote:I think you also run into the issue of how... ummm... intensely you need your love language shown to you. A couple of responses have been that they couldn't live without their love language. Mostly the physically affectionate people. I don't find that to be true of myself so I could probably have a much easier time being married to someone with any of the other LL's But I totally get understand how some people have a genuine NEED for their language and because of that, they have to have their LL in their daily life.

Exactly - for me if I'm around someone that is consistently verbally a downer, not even bitter or caustic, just consistently a whiner or mild complainer, I get so blue and drained it's a struggle to tolerate them. I need a lot of time away from them to recharge, and I find myself retracting from any interaction with them, or mentally preparing to endure them. Not exactly a recipe for a good marital relationship. Even someone who isn't verbally discouraging, but also isn't specifically verbally encouraging in their general tone about life is a drain on me. It's not even that someone has to directly compliment me, but just someone who is generally an upbeat person and likes to express "That's a nice looking car!" more than "That is the ugliest car I've ever seen." Someone who focuses on what is good, rather than what is bad.

So I would go out on a limb and say I pretty much "need" someone who is slightly north of neutral in the verbally upbeat department.

Woe is me, I'm selfish. :P
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Re: Love languages

Postby Amber » Mon Aug 12, 2013 7:20 pm

little_tigress wrote:Yeah, sorry Amber. You're cool and all but we're too busy hugging one another over here to give you gifts. You understand, right?

Interesting, I could see how an argument could be made for companion languages. some do seem to go hand in hand together. I'm also intrigued by Wes's comments about how the love languages can mean different things to different people. Kissing is kind of a big deal to me, it means a lot to me. So I wouldn't kiss someone or allow someone to kiss me unless there were some real feelings there. Other people approach it as, "whats the big deal? its just a kiss". But there's a real sense of intimacy there for me.


Sure, I'll just sit over here in my red-headed stepchild corner and entertain myself...

Ooohhh, I would love to see a giant list of ways that love languages are expressed in everyday life. It would be cool to see how different perspectives can define it in their own unique ways.

Wesley wrote:
Amber wrote:I think you also run into the issue of how... ummm... intensely you need your love language shown to you. A couple of responses have been that they couldn't live without their love language. Mostly the physically affectionate people. I don't find that to be true of myself so I could probably have a much easier time being married to someone with any of the other LL's But I totally get understand how some people have a genuine NEED for their language and because of that, they have to have their LL in their daily life.

Exactly - for me if I'm around someone that is consistently verbally a downer, not even bitter or caustic, just consistently a whiner or mild complainer, I get so blue and drained it's a struggle to tolerate them. I need a lot of time away from them to recharge, and I find myself retracting from any interaction with them, or mentally preparing to endure them. Not exactly a recipe for a good marital relationship. Even someone who isn't verbally discouraging, but also isn't specifically verbally encouraging in their general tone about life is a drain on me. It's not even that someone has to directly compliment me, but just someone who is generally an upbeat person and likes to express "That's a nice looking car!" more than "That is the ugliest car I've ever seen." Someone who focuses on what is good, rather than what is bad.

So I would go out on a limb and say I pretty much "need" someone who is slightly north of neutral in the verbally upbeat department.

Woe is me, I'm selfish. :P


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Re: Love languages

Postby Wesley » Mon Aug 12, 2013 7:26 pm

Amber wrote:The more I know of you, the more I'm convinced you need to marry Elle Woods.

I have no idea who that is but I'll take your recommendation. What's her email address? :D
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Re: Love languages

Postby Amber » Mon Aug 12, 2013 7:29 pm

Wesley wrote:
Amber wrote:The more I know of you, the more I'm convinced you need to marry Elle Woods.

I have no idea who that is but I'll take your recommendation. What's her email address? :D


Blondepinksparkles@Harvard.com

Enjoy :lol:
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Re: Love languages

Postby Marycita » Mon Aug 12, 2013 8:06 pm

little_tigress wrote:Mary and Edwards... you have the exact same love language lists. its only the numbers that differ slightly.

Thats just eery. in a good way :D

It is quite nice that he understands the "languages". Makes me feel a little less needy :P

little_tigress wrote:I don't think its necessary to have the same love languages, I think it helps a great deal in understanding eachother if you do share those.

But I think it becomes even more important to communicate and understand how the other person expresses themselves if you don't share those things. If someone whose top love language is receiving gifts marries someone whose weakest language was gifts, then they'd have to find a way to bridge that gap so that both people can find ways to ensure that they're loving the other person in a way that actually makes them feel loved and valued. It won't come naturally, so it'd have to be a conscious effort and something to really work on in that situation.

I think not sharing the same love languages, much like just the differences between men and women or personality differences, force you to be selfless in how you relate and love someone. Which, really, if done diligently, just enhances love.


Amber wrote:Everyone's lowest language in this thread was gifts.

DARN YOU ALL, NONE OF YOU CAN LOVE ME NOW!!!!!

You know? That's like one of my biggest, not fears, concerns, maybe. I'm not huge on gifts, nor do I feel like I have the extra money (meh, me and money worries :? ) to give you gifts...and it always bothers me! I want to be able to utilize your love language more...I guess I'll have to start trying harder practicing what I mentioned above and be more selfless towards you,eh? :P

Amber wrote:I bet an argument could be made that each of the languages has a "companion" language so to speak. So gifts would tie in closely with acts of service. Quality time could complement physical affection. So even if you marry someone who is the opposite of you, their language could still complement your's.

I don't know. I'm just over thinking this now. Its all so interesting.

I often wonder about that too! The first time I took the test, I found it very difficult. I couldn't separate getting hugs and such from spending time with someone. I couldn't separate words of affirmation from quality time either. ...Definitely think you're on to something there.
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