Love languages

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Re: Love languages

Postby little_tigress » Mon Aug 12, 2013 8:11 pm

yes, there were several that made me really sit and think because both options spoke to me so loudly. I had to actually imagine myself with someone I care about, and what I would prefer in that situation to decide which option really suited me better.

If that didn't work, I'd pick one at random :P
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Re: Love languages

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Re: Love languages

Postby mina » Mon Aug 12, 2013 8:16 pm

I don't think couples need to have the same love language to mesh well or even understand one another. It's not rocket science. If i know someone sees gifts as an expression of love; I might make something for them or find something they really like to let them know I was thinking about them. Touch- I would make sure to give them an extra hug or whatnot and on down the line with each love language. All you need is two people willing to see past themselves. Marriage isn't a cup waiting to be filled 50/ 50 by two people; it's more of "what can I do to make your life easier and make the marriage cup overflow with my love for you". I actually think within Christian marriage circles ; people put too much stock in the Love Languages and I think many premises of the book are flawed. I hope that makes sense. I do think the concept has worth enough to mention in marriage and that there are truths within the concept. Our pastor recommended Chapman's book during premarital counseling. I had already read it and my husband took the test. Now that I know what he is; I make conscious efforts to love him in ways he understands even if it's different from me. Through it all, communication is key.
Last edited by mina on Mon Aug 12, 2013 8:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Love languages

Postby Ethnog » Mon Aug 12, 2013 8:29 pm

I agree mina and in many ways I wouldn't want someone to have the same love language as me.
Personally, I don't mind if I don't give gifts, but I LOVE giving gifts to others.
I wouldn't like being touched by everyone, but LOVE it when its with someone special.
And I think over time people change and have different needs.
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Re: Love languages

Postby little_tigress » Mon Aug 12, 2013 8:32 pm

Oh we do rely on the love languages too much. They don't define a relationship. I just find it fascinating because it helps me understand myself and others better.
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Re: Love languages

Postby Miles » Mon Aug 12, 2013 9:15 pm

I see love languages as an additional tool for understanding and communicating with others. The concept is unlikely to save a dysfunctional relationship, but the insight gained might help improve a good one.
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Re: Love languages

Postby Kenobi » Mon Aug 12, 2013 9:16 pm

Amber wrote:
little_tigress wrote:I don't think its necessary to have the same love languages, I think it helps a great deal in understanding each other if you do share those.

But I think it becomes even more important to communicate and understand how the other person expresses themselves if you don't share those things. If someone whose top love language is receiving gifts marries someone whose weakest language was gifts, then they'd have to find a way to bridge that gap so that both people can find ways to ensure that they're loving the other person in a way that actually makes them feel loved and valued. It won't come naturally, so it'd have to be a conscious effort and something to really work on in that situation.


Everyone's lowest language in this thread was gifts.

DARN YOU ALL, NONE OF YOU CAN LOVE ME NOW!!!!!

I bet an argument could be made that each of the languages has a "companion" language so to speak. So gifts would tie in closely with acts of service. Quality time could complement physical affection. So even if you marry someone who is the opposite of you, their language could still complement your's.

I don't know. I'm just over thinking this now. Its all so interesting.


Not mine! Gifts is my second and it's almost tied with AoS. I just didn't mention it because usually no one else has that one and I feel like it makes me sound greedy or something :oops: I love receiving gifts, and I show love by giving gifts - I put a lot of thought and effort into every single gift I give because it's one of my primary languages.
My husband, on the other hand, is the same as Wes, he's always tied for physical touch and words of affirmation. It made for an interesting marriage before we read the book and figured out what each others languages were because he was always touching me and I was always cleaning up after him and neither of us were feeling loved :lol:
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11
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Re: Love languages

Postby Kenobi » Mon Aug 12, 2013 9:23 pm

mina wrote:I don't think couples need to have the same love language to mesh well or even understand one another. It's not rocket science. If i know someone sees gifts as an expression of love; I might make something for them or find something they really like to let them know I was thinking about them. Touch- I would make sure to give them an extra hug or whatnot and on down the line with each love language. All you need is two people willing to see past themselves. Marriage isn't a cup waiting to be filled 50/ 50 by two people; it's more of "what can I do to make your life easier and make the marriage cup overflow with my love for you". I actually think within Christian marriage circles ; people put too much stock in the Love Languages and I think many premises of the book are flawed. I hope that makes sense. I do think the concept has worth enough to mention in marriage and that there are truths within the concept. Our pastor recommended Chapman's book during premarital counseling. I had already read it and my husband took the test. Now that I know what he is; I make conscious efforts to love him in ways he understands even if it's different from me. Through it all, communication is key.


Absolutely agree!! I think of the love languages idea as a tool to help you understand other people better, it can apply to more people than just your spouse. I personally just find it fascinating because I like to understand more about myself and others and how they feel and think, etc.
In no way do I think that you have to marry someone with the same language, etc - in fact I've never even thought of that. My husband and I have completely different languages and while it was interesting to find that out and it did help us to understand each other better and communicate our needs better (which in turn improved our marriage), it wasn't the reason why I did or didn't marry him. I married him because he is the one God designed for me, flaws and differences from me aside. The marriage books and personality tests and whatnot are merely ways to help me communicate better so I can understand him more and in doing so learn how to love him in a way that meets more of his needs. (Apparently this is a subject I feel passionate about. I've never thought about it before, but now I feel like I have a lot to say about it)
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11
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Re: Love languages

Postby Amber » Mon Aug 12, 2013 9:38 pm

Marycita wrote: You know? That's like one of my biggest, not fears, concerns, maybe. I'm not huge on gifts, nor do I feel like I have the extra money (meh, me and money worries :? ) to give you gifts...and it always bothers me! I want to be able to utilize your love language more...I guess I'll have to start trying harder practicing what I mentioned above and be more selfless towards you,eh? :P


Yeah but it wasn't like I hugged you every day that we lived together either so I would say that neither of us NEEDED to show each other (or receive) our love through our primary language. I don't doubt that you love me and I would hope you don't either. The LL's are a good tool for intentionally focusing on the needs of someone but it isn't the end all or be all of showing love.

Kenobi wrote:
Not mine! Gifts is my second and it's almost tied with AoS. I just didn't mention it because usually no one else has that one and I feel like it makes me sound greedy or something :oops: I love receiving gifts, and I show love by giving gifts - I put a lot of thought and effort into every single gift I give because it's one of my primary languages.
My husband, on the other hand, is the same as Wes, he's always tied for physical touch and words of affirmation. It made for an interesting marriage before we read the book and figured out what each others languages were because he was always touching me and I was always cleaning up after him and neither of us were feeling loved :lol:


Woo hoo! Another freak like me!

I've heard for years among those who take the LL's seriously that gifts is the "selfish" language. Somehow its the one everyone tries to avoid and no one wants to have. So its the rare person who will own up to it in public :lol:

I personally think that there should be a better title for it. Something more along the lines of "keepsake" or something other than implying that you are sitting around waiting for a beautifully wrapped, expensive present to be handed to you. Because what it comes down to is that we just want the tangible expression of love- something to hold on to and keep, a reminder of sorts. And giving a gift is the same thing- we thought of someone, we bought/made/got something tangible to give to them because we love them, not to prove anything but as a natural pattern of showing you care.
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Re: Love languages

Postby Kenobi » Mon Aug 12, 2013 10:16 pm

Amber wrote:Woo hoo! Another freak like me!

I've heard for years among those who take the LL's seriously that gifts is the "selfish" language. Somehow its the one everyone tries to avoid and no one wants to have. So its the rare person who will own up to it in public :lol:

I personally think that there should be a better title for it. Something more along the lines of "keepsake" or something other than implying that you are sitting around waiting for a beautifully wrapped, expensive present to be handed to you. Because what it comes down to is that we just want the tangible expression of love- something to hold on to and keep, a reminder of sorts. And giving a gift is the same thing- we thought of someone, we bought/made/got something tangible to give to them because we love them, not to prove anything but as a natural pattern of showing you care.


Yes, I like the idea of "keepsake" or "momento" better. It never has to be an expensive gift, it's just having an actual item that makes me think of that person or a trip we took together or a memory we shared or whatever that means a lot to me. For example, whenever my husband goes traveling for work or we go somewhere together, he buys me a deck of cards from that place (because we love to play rummy together and with our families), so I have cards from San Fran, cards from the Rose Garden in Portland, cards from various state parks we've been too, etc. It's the same when I give gifts too, when we have the money I like to buy him nicer, more expensive gifts but when we don't I will make him something (even if it's just his favorite cookies) and spend a lot of time picking out the perfect card and writing him a nice message or poem in it.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11
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Re: Love languages

Postby mina » Mon Aug 12, 2013 10:43 pm

Kenobi wrote:
mina wrote:I don't think couples need to have the same love language to mesh well or even understand one another. It's not rocket science. If i know someone sees gifts as an expression of love; I might make something for them or find something they really like to let them know I was thinking about them. Touch- I would make sure to give them an extra hug or whatnot and on down the line with each love language. All you need is two people willing to see past themselves. Marriage isn't a cup waiting to be filled 50/ 50 by two people; it's more of "what can I do to make your life easier and make the marriage cup overflow with my love for you". I actually think within Christian marriage circles ; people put too much stock in the Love Languages and I think many premises of the book are flawed. I hope that makes sense. I do think the concept has worth enough to mention in marriage and that there are truths within the concept. Our pastor recommended Chapman's book during premarital counseling. I had already read it and my husband took the test. Now that I know what he is; I make conscious efforts to love him in ways he understands even if it's different from me. Through it all, communication is key.


Absolutely agree!! I think of the love languages idea as a tool to help you understand other people better, it can apply to more people than just your spouse. I personally just find it fascinating because I like to understand more about myself and others and how they feel and think, etc.
In no way do I think that you have to marry someone with the same language, etc - in fact I've never even thought of that. My husband and I have completely different languages and while it was interesting to find that out and it did help us to understand each other better and communicate our needs better (which in turn improved our marriage), it wasn't the reason why I did or didn't marry him. I married him because he is the one God designed for me, flaws and differences from me aside. The marriage books and personality tests and whatnot are merely ways to help me communicate better so I can understand him more and in doing so learn how to love him in a way that meets more of his needs. (Apparently this is a subject I feel passionate about. I've never thought about it before, but now I feel like I have a lot to say about it)

I agree with you as well. I think they are also communicative tools to help garner understanding in any sort of relationship. Knowledge is power!
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